Jim Hamilton’s early morning dining experience on Sunday, at the International House of Pancakes was nearly ruined by a elderly couple sitting in the booth behind him who complained of their eggs from their Senior Citizen breakfast meal, being cold. “This is why people don’t want to get old.†Mr. Hamilton said as he gesturing his thumb to the couple’s booth. “Not because of aging but just bitching about meaningless shit.†Mr. Hamilton repeatedly rolled his eyes and sighed loudly a few times. “Is that their only purpose in life?†He asked rhetorically aloud enough for the booth in front of him to look up. He later said that he ‘regretted’ coming to the IHOP with such a ‘fucking hangover’.
Oblivious meat eaters are the first to hop on the newest trend in foods, eating tainted meat. “I had no idea that it was tainted.â€? Tainted meat eater Jeremy Reed said from a Montgomery hospital. “It is pretty good meat, really succulent. That is, until I shat out my intestine. But really, how can I be angry? I’m a hipster trend setter.â€? The Westland/Hallmark Meat Packing Company, who is responsible for the largest meat recall in United States history, said that when they were using ‘downed’ cattle for consumption had no idea they were creating a new trend. “We were originally doing it because we are a soulless sons of bitches.â€? Westland President Steve Mendell said a news conference. “But now that we see that we can kill anything, no matter how sick it appears, and unaware people will eat it, we will do our best to keep this up this pop culture phenomenon.â€?
Rather than try to shoot down an ailing spy satellite with a long-range missile, the Defense Department announced they are sending up an oil driller and his zany crew. “This is an honor.â€? Oil driller Harry Stamper told reporters. “I can only hope my daughter Grace, played by Liv Tyler, will fall for my assistant AJ, and I will at first against it, but then sacrifice myself for her boyfriend, that would be pretty cool.â€? The crew will be launched into space with a crew of disapproving astronauts. “I look forward to rolling my eyes, then eventually appreciating their blue collar approach.â€? Lead astronaut Colonel William Sharp said. “I may lose some of my astronauts, but it will a lesson well learned.”
Robert Jones, a sophomore at Capital University in Columbus, Ohio opted to transfer to Kent State University rather than go on a shooting spree on campus. “It is kind of common sense.� Jones said while packing up his dorm room. “I am depressed here, and I was getting angry at everything around me. So I thought ‘why not just leave and start fresh?’� His roommates were sad but happy. “Yeah, that’s cool. He really didn’t get along with anyone, but it’s really cool that he won’t go off and shoot us. That’s really cool.�
After 25 years of research, studies and experiments, the Dinty Moore Corporation have concluded that men who have a beard, like Stew. “This is unbelievable.â€? Lead Dinty Moore Scientist Paul G. Bunyon said. “We always believed that bearded men were just meat and potatoes, but the evidence doesn’t lie, they like stew as well.” Hanley Hagger, head of the Bearded Council of the Americas(BCA), was angered by the test results. “They are just trying to pigeon hole us bearded folk into a simple category. Years ago, everyone thought we just liked fish n’ chips.â€? Bunyon was quick to defend. “We are not trying to stereotype, but for years, it was very difficult to track men with beards’ eating habits and thanks to new technology, we are finally starting to understand the mystery of the beard.”
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Feb
In a blockbuster breakthrough, hipster computer makers, Apple have unveiled it’s newest product, the letter ‘i’. “This new Apple ‘i’ will revolutionize the way we use language.â€? Apple CEO Steve Jobs. The Apple ‘i’ uses no battery, it can be placed into words, phrases, and sentences. The ‘i’ can also be used as an article of identification in the several languages, including English.â€? Mr. Jobs demonstrated. “I am using the ‘I’ right now. In fact, I have now used it 7 times.â€? Apple plans on selling the new low tech ‘i’ for $10 per usage. There have been many critics of the new Apple ‘i’, including first grade teachers who have claimed they have been using the ‘i’ for year. “This is nothing but old technology, and that Jobs is just re-packaging it and trying to pass if off to the public. For shame.” First grade teacher Mrs. Olberchain told Effinfunny.
A big ‘thank you’ to all the comics who came out on Thursday night for the first annual Effinfunny Awards Show.
A big clap of the hands goes to:
Hard n Phirm: Comedians of the Year
Kyle Kinane: Rising Star
Dan Mintz: Best Dirty Bit
Henry Phillips: Best Nerdiest Bit
TJ Miller/Ryan Ridley: Best Promo
I would like to personally thank all the comics who have performed on Effinfunny in 2007. Like Jim Hamiltion, Fahim Anwar, Eric Acosta, Jimmy Dore, Cathy Ladman, Wayne Federman, Alex Noosbaum, Lizzy Cooperman, Matt Knudsen, Matt Champagne, Jeff Klinger…Oh that’s the music, thank you to Stan Wells, the empty stage theatre and mom and dad, this one is for you…Oh Jesus, can’t forget about him.
A restraining order has been placed against Britney Spears’ own intellect in Los Angeles on Tuesday. The order portrays Spears’ brain as a controlling figure in her life, forcing Ms. Spears get drugged up, controlling her finances and paparazzi. The order, released on Tuesday, told Spears’ brain to stay at least 300 feet away from Spears at all times for a period of three years. “You can see how dependant Britney was on her brain.� Mother Lynne Spears told reporters, with her daughter next to her, slumped over and drooling like a faucet. “Now without that thing around, you can see how peaceful she really is.� Brittney had no comment and chose to chew on her tongue, perhaps a symbolic act.
Recent rumors of trading Miami Heat superstar, Shaquille O’Neal to the Phoenix Suns, have not only upset Shaquille but also the family of tree squirrels living on the giant O’Neal. “We just are getting acclimated to the weather and seasons here in Miami.â€? Alpha squirrel Edgar told the Acorn Press. “Now we might be shipped to Phoenix?â€? Edgar and his female companion, Loretta, originally made a nest on O’Neal’s shoulder when he played for Orlando, now have over 20 sons and daughters to think about. “Where we going papa?â€? The offspring chirped. Mr. O’Neal said he was unaware he had a family of over 20 living on him, said that he has no plans to evict the critters and hopes against the trade. “Shaq likes little squirrels, Shaq likes Miami. Shaq will use no trade clause in contract.â€? Said Mr. O’Neal.
Ladies and gentlemen we have liftoff. We’re knee deep in production and we just shot our exteriors for episode 2 and 3 on Friday the 1st. Here is just a sampling of some of our pictures. There will be more to come.
Here is a dying Neil
Neil is doing… uhh… pushups. Yeah that’s it.
A wizrobe wanders onto set. He asked me to fix his clasp on his medallion. I said “sure.”