Effinfunny Blog of Death

In addition to deploying anti-missile technology on passenger aircraft, the airline industry said they would also like to give their drunken pilots, handguns. “In case of a terrorist tried to take over the cockpit, we would like to have our men ready.� American Airlines spokesman Chip Chinnery told reporters. “It is really hard to fight when you are drunk, so we need to give our brave men and women an advantage.� Many pilots applauded the decision. “Let me have a gun.� One pilot named James told Effinfunny from a TGI Friday’s bar while enjoying a shot of Tequila with his Budweiser. “I’ll shoot all ‘dem tourists.�

“I wonder if he is Al Qeada.� Carol Tolles thought of the man sitting next to her on a flight from Indianapolis to Minneapolis, who was rude to her when she asked him if he could close his shade. “Oh heavens, I was frightened. He was so rude and short with me, I was just trying to make conversation and he kept turning away and trying to sleep.� Carol immediately reported the man to the Flight Attendant and the plane was forced to make an emergency landing at Midway Airport in Chicago where Federal Marshals stormed the plane and took the man into custody. The detained man, Kenneth Crislip, was later released made this statement outside FBI offices in Chicago. “I am not a terrorist, I was hung over, trying to get some sleep and this old lady is talking my ear off about her kids and all her relatives with cancer. If not wanting to be bummed out for a flight makes me a terrorist, good God, things are worse than we could’ve ever imagined.�

Citing civil unrest, a rise in Muslim extremists, sympathy and security for Taliban, tensions with India and having nuclear weapons, Pakistan is changing their names to ‘Theshitisabouttohitthefanistan’. President Pervez Musharraff said that it was the most appropriate name to give the county, noting that any number of things could send the country spiraling into chaos. “Grab your chicks and hold your dicks.� Musharraff announced on Pakistan National Radio. Musharraff had recently declared emergency rule, giving him almost complete authority. “That guy is like the little Dutch Boy.� Noted Pakistan expert, Fahim Anwar. “Good luck, buddy. Better you than me.�

Angry phone calls and emails have been pouring into the Department of Homeland Security as the name ‘Terroristy McTerrorist’ has been left off of the Government’s ‘No Fly’ list. “This is unbelievable.� Said concerned citizen Ruth Seymour. “How can a name like that not be on the list?� Dozens protested outside the State Department over the weekend and some legislators have called for the resignation of Michael Chertoff. “How am I supposed to feel safe at night knowing that if someone named ‘Terroisty McTerroist’ wanted to board a plane, he could just get on with no questions asked?� State Senator Alberta Darling wondered. “I think Mr. Chertoff owes this country a big explanation.�

Listening to the new Osama Bin Laden tape really reminded me how much I miss the old tapes. The tracks are lucid and bordering on pretentiousness. With his old work, Osama was always the consummate craftsman, working on his message of the militant Islam while keeping a nice beat. This latest effort seems to be missing the soul of what he used to be. Bin Laden seems to be trying to go too many messages while at the same time, not covering anything at all. I think he gets too wrapped up in wanting to stay fresh that he has forgotten his roots. Loyal listeners will also be disappointed to learn that Bin Laden has also done away with his long time producer, Terry Brown. This tape is not a must have, it is a must pass. 1 star out of 5.

AM Talk Radio Host, Rush Limbaugh, has stated that he feels people wearing sunscreen at the beach are ‘Cutting and running’ from ultra-violet radiation. “If you are going to be out in the sun, don’t retreat just because it gets hot. You’ve got those Liberals in California who will go out in the sun and want to put some form of sun block on. If you let the sun win there, you are basically a tanning defeatist.�

After doing some investigation, unemployed cashier, and New York Jets fan, Charlie Atmore, uncovered devastating information about New England Patriots’ Quarterback, Tom Brady. Charlie, “I was like ‘this guy is too perfect.’ He is good looking, a great quarterback, successful, charismatic, charitable; I knew there had to be something wrong with him.“
After digging around Brady’s garbage cans, he came upon the shocking news. An embarrassed Brady held a press conference on Thursday. �Charlie was right, I have an intense hatred for the United States. So much, I joined an International Terrorist Organization. I don’t apologize to the fans, hence inventing cancer.� Atmore beamed with pride. Congress has yet to decide if all of the Patriots’ victories will be stripped from there while under Brady’s helm.

The Global Fight on Terrorism took a severe blow when Al Queda member, Ali Saouud bought a copy of ‘The Secret’ from a Barnes and Noble in Prague on Wednesday. “It is only a matter of time now that the universe will bring them the destruction of Western Civilization.� Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced. This book was supposed to have been kept a secret!!! Damn you, people, damn you to hell.�